20 Things About Marriage in 20 Years

Today is my twentieth wedding anniversary. We celebrated with a trip to Spain a few weeks ago, but today I'm filled with gratitude for Michelle and reflecting on what I've learned so far on our journey. When I turned forty, I shared forty life insights I've gained along the way.

In that light, I thought I'd share twenty things I've learned about marriage in twenty years.

1. You can marry your high school sweetheart and make it work.
2. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to go to bed angry. Arguments get extra tricky when you're super tired. Try again tomorrow.
3. Seen from afar, marriage is often a series of frustrations and hurts. Two people becoming one isn't a smooth process. But the payoff from putting the work in pays huge dividends.
4. Love means saying you're sorry a lot.
5. Thankfully, a good apology has remarkable power to heal and foster forward momentum.
6. You can learn from your partner's strengths. Michelle is really good at apologizing quickly and I've tried to pick up some of that from her.
7. When you uniquely make room for each of you to contribute your strengths to the relationship, it's like unlocking a life cheat code.
8. Which also means... your marriage doesn't have to look like anyone else's.
9. Which also means... you don't have to live by gendered roles in a relationship. It's much more fun when you design your marriage around what each of you brings to the table.
10. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is to let them grow into a fuller version of themselves. But it requires flexibility from both of you.
11. If you actively help your partner become a fuller version of themselves, you both win.
12. A key to success is to fight fair while still communicating strong feelings.
13. I don't think any of us has a soulmate. This doesn't mean we are compatible with anyone or everyone; it just means problems don't indicate something is wrong.
14. Because you don't have a soulmate, you don't need another person to "complete you." You choose to be with your partner because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
15. I think it's healthy to let your kids see you work through problems together. They will take their cues from how you approach it and be less likely to be overwhelmed with their own problems.
16. Sweat the small stuff. Michelle and I keep very short accounts so things rarely escalate to huge issues.
17. It's not less romantic to clearly communicate what you want rather than hoping they figure it out. Communicating expectations is a great way to help your partner meet your needs.
18. Contrary to some popular books, I think every person wants both love and respect.
19. The kindness of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4) and the kindness of a partner also leads to lots of good things.
20. Communicating effectively doesn't necessarily mean talking more. Sometimes it means listening better and figuring out how to say it in a way that makes sense for the other person.

That's what comes to my mind. I'd love to hear what you'd add to this list!